"doing the right thing.."

"Im just out here..Rick Ross'n it..doing the right thing and
not lovin these hoes.."
-Riley from the Boondocks



So as the days go by, I find it easier to say what I need to say
to get my point across when it comes to relationships. All and all,
im not beat for them. I remember the feeling that took over me
when I got into my last one and I honestly dont think that I want
that feeling again..atleast not now..hell..not anytime soon. I feel bad
for anyone that wants to pursue me currently; there's 2 people in
particular that I converse with on the regular and I know for a fact
that theyre interested but as far as me wanting to start anything serious
with either one of them, it wont happen. I refuse to trust anyone with that
part of me again because my trust in people when it comes to my heart
is very slim. Im no longer bitter..now Im just very cautious.. yea.. cautious
- I think I prefer that. So i'll continue to kick it with these random ass girls
because thats all they'll ever get from me and i'll keep doing the right thing and
not lovin these hoes.

"Say Something.."

"This shit was all i knew
you and me only
and id do it all for you
but still you were lonely
We couldve worked it out.."


So ive passed the point in my recovery that I can talk without crying but I think ive gotten this bitterness about me; or atleast thats what ive been told. I can admit that my "lie by omission" (as my mother called it when I talked to her about it) probably wasnt my best move but truth be told, for all of the good that I brought to the relationship, I didnt deserve what I got. Karma ridden or not. I was her biggest supporter - no matter what the situation; her "selling" , her spending the night with someone that we all knew has a thing for her, letting her vent about not being able to see her kids, helped her with some of the best songs she's ever written. Noone is perfect and when I say that I love someone, no matter how rough things may get- im not one to leave. especially not when I say that im in love with them..


"..What's a star when its most important fan is missing? .."

I was going through some of my old messages on this site that we're both on and I found myself getting livid because all I kept seeing was messages from her. "I love you.." .."I miss you.." .."I cant wait to see you.." ...then came the deeper ones.. the heartfelt ones.. the ones that carry major weight. My sister said to me "I know you make jokes and everything but I can tell it still hurts and just because the tears went away doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt today." I still have days that I sit back and just think -- all of the plans that we made.. all of the times that I cried when she'd put me on the back burner for friends or the club or just her life in general; i never complained. I wonder if you say the same things to her that you said to me. Does she know that your grandmother is your soul and your children are your heart? Does she know that the people at your job adore you but you hate your job with a passion? Does she know what words to say and how to say them to get you off-even over the phone? Does she know about the poetry I wrote for you and the songs you wrote for me? Maybe im getting alittle too deep. [shrugs]


"..but i guess things changed
its funny how someone else's success brings pain
when youre no longer involved
that person has it all
and you just stuck standing there.."

I can say that im over you..I can date a million people after you..but even through all of this, you still have a huge part of me; the part that wants to crawl into a ball and die. I guess this is going to take longer than I thought but atleast finally I can say something..

the picture says it all --

this picture is hella old and those that know me and have watched me grow over the past few years will know that. i figured id bring it back, atleast just on here..and for perfect reason.

Im disappointed in you; yes you --you should know who you are. over the past few weeks ive heard so many nasty rotten things about you.. [lol @ me saying "nasty rotten"..clearly the kid in me was typing that] and I cannot believe that of all people you chose to pull the wool over their eyes, you chose me. I find it funny that people never think that i'll find out the things that I do and when I find out; simply because I never speak on them. Im an activist as well as an observer; while people gossip about the people that theyve dated or dealt with or anything in between for that matter-- i sit back and relax. im one to enjoy the show and trust that i dont talk ..not even during the previews. lol. Ive said my share of things, done my share of things to people..but you.. you took the cake..so eat it up because the icing that youre licking off of your fingers is called Karma -- you let me know how good it tastes when it finally hits you.

Its a brand new day --

and some people are STILL walking around being whores. lol.

okay, so maybe I shouldnt have said that but I couldnt think
of anything else to write; sad though because I really wanted
to blog about something productive today. umm let's see if i can
come up with something. excuse my random rambling:

- i love our new apartment;
kerra come visit! you cant be tardy for the party! lol

- things at work are looking up;
got a mini promo = more hours

- im single;
now ask me about 2 weeks ago how i was feeling and i probably wouldve cried
dead in your face and played "I cant wait to hate you" by the dream. lol. but im
good. i have a great support system to lean on so im definitely not complaining.

- my family members are rude;
Kerra, Fury, Fatal, India, Sincere and Free ..yall know what im talking about.
youre fucking rude. lmfaoo. ilyall

- mr. officer;
people are already trying to find out who you are. damn, niggas cant live can they?
lmfao. i just wanted to thank you..i know youre probably asking "for what". for letting
me vent to you and for being my shoulder to cry on. youre the "sweetest thing ive ever
known.." and im glad that i can trust myself with you. i guess there are SOME good
women left in the world.

- sangriasy;
bigbrother syyyyy! im talking to you now on yim! woot woot for the peach sangri --
lmfao. cant be tardy for THAT party; we were completely absent. theend. lol. ily.


umm..i think im finished for now. im in a really good mood and since i cant exactly
write what i want to write right now, im just going to end my blog on this note

---> "you mustve had a HARD life.." lmfaooo. [inny]

123andimOUT

slow but sure -

I want to say that the last time I cried was possibly about one week ago..
which is pretty good for me..considering how much ive been crying lately
and I must say that slowly but surely, im regainning(sp) what I lost before--
my sense of self-worth. I almost forgot who I was but im happy that I have
people such as my sisters, my brother, and my Pooh to help me along. Noone
deserves certain things to happen to them-karma based or not- and even my
bigbrother told me that I deserve better..so im finally taking everyone's advice
and im going to love me more than anyone else ever has. Im happier now, I sleep
easier, I dont think of her as much, and im noticing that the people around me that I
didnt give the time to before are VERY MUCH interested now; im not looking for
another random ass relationship but friendships are always a good thing. I guess
what im saying is this - you had a hold on me and in the worst way. there are still days
where all I can do is sit back and wonder if there was anything that I couldve done differently
but those will be the days when I smile because even though I am NOT a perfect woman,
I know that Im a GOOD WOMAN and thats all that matters.