im changing...

..and he's to blame.

Time standing still --

im in this universe where time stands still
no clocks
no walls
no ceilings
no place for progression

im trapped
almost drowning

the air is thick with pain
hurt fills my lungs
tears well up in my eyes
ive lost feeling in my chest
its becoming too much

im trapped
almost drowning

im standing still while time does the same
no one here to hear or feel my pain
here i'll die
trapped
and ive drowned.

Maybe..just maybe..

you can no longer find words to describe the emotions that run through your head
a place where love once lived no longer exist
you harden yourself as a whole
refusing to let anyone in but some kind of way
one person slips through the cracks
cracks that you failed to realize where there
and they make you warm again

or so you think..

you do everything in your power to test how thin they will stretch
give them pieces of you but never you in entirety
and you wonder why they take what they can get
you can see the hurt in their eyes
but part of you doesnt care
so you continue treating them the way you do

and then you see..

maybe sharing your feelings instead of hiding them away
screaming when youre angry
crying when your heart is drowning in sadness
smile when the sun shines bright
maybe..just maybe..it cant be all that bad

Happy Thanksgiving --

I could sit here and talk about all of the things that went wrong this year..talk about my heartbreaks and the ones ive left heartbroken but ive decided to just say this--

Im one blessed individual and for the ones that helped me learn who I was this year
I thank you..and for the ones that I left behind..well..I dont really have much to say
to you..lol.. Im just greatly to make it to another Thanksgiving.

Stay up folks!

The rebuilding has begun -- inny. =)

twentyten

okay so, its kind of strange how every woman that ive dated over the past few years are ALL in a relationship..lol..thats not what I was going to write about but it WAS a random thought that just popped into my mind.

Im still working on my job situation. Yes I am still employed with victoria's secret BUT ive got to find something new because theyre just not doing it for me anymore. I applied for an assistant manager's position at another retail store that im going to refrain from naming, as well as, applying for a job with the census. Im keeping my fingers crossed and leaving my job situation up to God because I know that he's going to make a way and take care of me.

All and all..I have a really good feeling about twenty ten..

as you can see --

im trying to catch up on my blogging..lol..i def. didnt realize that it had been
since last month when i actually wrote something. ive had alot on my mind
but not enough time to write. ive actually got to run for a few...so i'll keep
you guys posted..my story is never over..

-feenom

i apologize -

To you-

where do i begin? we've known each other for some years now. dated briefly and now have no ties what so ever. i know that im to blame for our current situation and thats why im writing this; in hopes that maybe one day you'll read this and hopefully forgive me. you see, noone is
perfect and im still young. im aware that i was extremely selfish for the things that i did; only
thinking of myself and barely thinking of your heart and how you would feel. you loved me in
ways that i could never love myself and thats what scared me..well part of it. i believe that
something in me loved you more than anyone that ive ever loved but i could never love you
the same way you loved me. you loved me too strongly..too much..too hard..and i still to this
day, i dont know why you felt the way you did about me.

i miss the little things. us taking random trips to wherever we wanted to go..the inside jokes..
the way you'd look at me..how when i was sick, you'd take care of me until you started getting
sick yourself..any blind person could see that you were damn perfect and here i was taking
advantage of your love for me. i refuse to say that i never loved you ..simply because i know
that that would be a lie..i did love you..part of me still does..but I guess i just wanted to let you
know this..

im not trying to get back in your good graces because im pretty sure that youre fine without me
in your life but simply that i recognize that i was and have been wrong. i apologize. and hopefully
one day, we'll be able to be friends.

-pinkii

Kiss my pain away--

she says she wants to be the one for me..the beginning to the end and everything in between..she says she loves me..i think she loves the idea of having a beautiful woman
on her arm..but the thing that drives the hell out of me is the fact that she doesnt get it.

it can be so easy for one to move forward when they were never in love in the first place
but for someone that actually was in love, its harder. am i still in love? -im not sure. do i
still love her? -yes i do. do i want to get back together with her? -no. because after all of
the underhanded things that ive heard that she's done behind my back, i dont and refuse
to trust a person like that. was i perfect? -damn near. with 1 slight situation; if i couldve
used my words wiser, i wouldve.

id love to be able to let someone kiss my pain away but the truth is, my wall is up and
heavily guarded. im sure thats why she called me bitter [laughs]. im having to relearn
who i am to get back to my happy place. i hate how badly this has affected me and the
fact that im unable to just be like "fuck this-she's moved on..so will I..". its quite sad
honestly but i know that my day will come.

"doing the right thing.."

"Im just out here..Rick Ross'n it..doing the right thing and
not lovin these hoes.."
-Riley from the Boondocks



So as the days go by, I find it easier to say what I need to say
to get my point across when it comes to relationships. All and all,
im not beat for them. I remember the feeling that took over me
when I got into my last one and I honestly dont think that I want
that feeling again..atleast not now..hell..not anytime soon. I feel bad
for anyone that wants to pursue me currently; there's 2 people in
particular that I converse with on the regular and I know for a fact
that theyre interested but as far as me wanting to start anything serious
with either one of them, it wont happen. I refuse to trust anyone with that
part of me again because my trust in people when it comes to my heart
is very slim. Im no longer bitter..now Im just very cautious.. yea.. cautious
- I think I prefer that. So i'll continue to kick it with these random ass girls
because thats all they'll ever get from me and i'll keep doing the right thing and
not lovin these hoes.

"Say Something.."

"This shit was all i knew
you and me only
and id do it all for you
but still you were lonely
We couldve worked it out.."


So ive passed the point in my recovery that I can talk without crying but I think ive gotten this bitterness about me; or atleast thats what ive been told. I can admit that my "lie by omission" (as my mother called it when I talked to her about it) probably wasnt my best move but truth be told, for all of the good that I brought to the relationship, I didnt deserve what I got. Karma ridden or not. I was her biggest supporter - no matter what the situation; her "selling" , her spending the night with someone that we all knew has a thing for her, letting her vent about not being able to see her kids, helped her with some of the best songs she's ever written. Noone is perfect and when I say that I love someone, no matter how rough things may get- im not one to leave. especially not when I say that im in love with them..


"..What's a star when its most important fan is missing? .."

I was going through some of my old messages on this site that we're both on and I found myself getting livid because all I kept seeing was messages from her. "I love you.." .."I miss you.." .."I cant wait to see you.." ...then came the deeper ones.. the heartfelt ones.. the ones that carry major weight. My sister said to me "I know you make jokes and everything but I can tell it still hurts and just because the tears went away doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt today." I still have days that I sit back and just think -- all of the plans that we made.. all of the times that I cried when she'd put me on the back burner for friends or the club or just her life in general; i never complained. I wonder if you say the same things to her that you said to me. Does she know that your grandmother is your soul and your children are your heart? Does she know that the people at your job adore you but you hate your job with a passion? Does she know what words to say and how to say them to get you off-even over the phone? Does she know about the poetry I wrote for you and the songs you wrote for me? Maybe im getting alittle too deep. [shrugs]


"..but i guess things changed
its funny how someone else's success brings pain
when youre no longer involved
that person has it all
and you just stuck standing there.."

I can say that im over you..I can date a million people after you..but even through all of this, you still have a huge part of me; the part that wants to crawl into a ball and die. I guess this is going to take longer than I thought but atleast finally I can say something..

the picture says it all --

this picture is hella old and those that know me and have watched me grow over the past few years will know that. i figured id bring it back, atleast just on here..and for perfect reason.

Im disappointed in you; yes you --you should know who you are. over the past few weeks ive heard so many nasty rotten things about you.. [lol @ me saying "nasty rotten"..clearly the kid in me was typing that] and I cannot believe that of all people you chose to pull the wool over their eyes, you chose me. I find it funny that people never think that i'll find out the things that I do and when I find out; simply because I never speak on them. Im an activist as well as an observer; while people gossip about the people that theyve dated or dealt with or anything in between for that matter-- i sit back and relax. im one to enjoy the show and trust that i dont talk ..not even during the previews. lol. Ive said my share of things, done my share of things to people..but you.. you took the cake..so eat it up because the icing that youre licking off of your fingers is called Karma -- you let me know how good it tastes when it finally hits you.

Its a brand new day --

and some people are STILL walking around being whores. lol.

okay, so maybe I shouldnt have said that but I couldnt think
of anything else to write; sad though because I really wanted
to blog about something productive today. umm let's see if i can
come up with something. excuse my random rambling:

- i love our new apartment;
kerra come visit! you cant be tardy for the party! lol

- things at work are looking up;
got a mini promo = more hours

- im single;
now ask me about 2 weeks ago how i was feeling and i probably wouldve cried
dead in your face and played "I cant wait to hate you" by the dream. lol. but im
good. i have a great support system to lean on so im definitely not complaining.

- my family members are rude;
Kerra, Fury, Fatal, India, Sincere and Free ..yall know what im talking about.
youre fucking rude. lmfaoo. ilyall

- mr. officer;
people are already trying to find out who you are. damn, niggas cant live can they?
lmfao. i just wanted to thank you..i know youre probably asking "for what". for letting
me vent to you and for being my shoulder to cry on. youre the "sweetest thing ive ever
known.." and im glad that i can trust myself with you. i guess there are SOME good
women left in the world.

- sangriasy;
bigbrother syyyyy! im talking to you now on yim! woot woot for the peach sangri --
lmfao. cant be tardy for THAT party; we were completely absent. theend. lol. ily.


umm..i think im finished for now. im in a really good mood and since i cant exactly
write what i want to write right now, im just going to end my blog on this note

---> "you mustve had a HARD life.." lmfaooo. [inny]

123andimOUT

slow but sure -

I want to say that the last time I cried was possibly about one week ago..
which is pretty good for me..considering how much ive been crying lately
and I must say that slowly but surely, im regainning(sp) what I lost before--
my sense of self-worth. I almost forgot who I was but im happy that I have
people such as my sisters, my brother, and my Pooh to help me along. Noone
deserves certain things to happen to them-karma based or not- and even my
bigbrother told me that I deserve better..so im finally taking everyone's advice
and im going to love me more than anyone else ever has. Im happier now, I sleep
easier, I dont think of her as much, and im noticing that the people around me that I
didnt give the time to before are VERY MUCH interested now; im not looking for
another random ass relationship but friendships are always a good thing. I guess
what im saying is this - you had a hold on me and in the worst way. there are still days
where all I can do is sit back and wonder if there was anything that I couldve done differently
but those will be the days when I smile because even though I am NOT a perfect woman,
I know that Im a GOOD WOMAN and thats all that matters.

"i cant wait to hate you"

i still find myself wondering how i got myself in so deep with her..people are walking in and out of the room so im trying not to cry..plus im not in the mood to cry honestly. i wish that it were physically possible for me to turn off my emotions and forget everything thats happend dealing with her for the past few months.. for the first time, i actually gave someone all of me..every part and even parts that i didnt show the last woman that i was in love with.. sadly enough --yes, i was in love with you.. and i hate myself ..I shouldve listened when people told me to turn away.. I shouldve known that even the slightest thing to happen and you'd up and leave..my sisters keep telling me that everything is going to be okay..that eventually the pain will subside but im in dire need of it to be over now.. I cant handle this anymore ... part of me feels like ive died..

so everyone is sitting around me..ive got to end this before i end up in tears..
but i swear.. i cant wait for the day that i can see your face and be okay..hear your
name and not even flinch.. listen to random songs and not feel so much pain..I cant
wait to hate you..

For Stephanie

you asked me to write something for you; here it is.

"ive seen so many times
written so many lines
and here we are
back at one
many nights ive cried for you
cried to you
and yet my arm still swings open wide for you
our love runs deeper than any vein
no words placed in any dictionary could define
and as long as air flows freely through me
you'll always have me
and here i'll always be"

free --

the chains that once held me closely to the ground
disappeared
the "love" that once kept me bound
gone
im free
finally free

[sigh]

i feel myself slipping further and further away
not knowing when i'll return
but
knowing that this is where im destined to be

wanting my questions to be answered
yet
trying to find the words to form them

and if only you were here to help
then maybe i wouldnt be so lost

my words would become a symphony
and together we'd dance to their music

Day 5 -

"..You forgot about the house, you forgot about the ring
I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing
I remember the love, right after the fights
You can't tell me you don't remember those nights
and if I would cry, then you would cry twice
To me you are the brightest star under sunlight
See take away my title, take away my stripes
You give me back my girl and you give me back my life
Give me back my girl and you give me back my life
See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice
Open up my eyes hopin' she'd be in my sight
I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back
What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap.."

-"something you forgot" by Lil Wayne

it was a good day -

my son came home.
i worked alittle past time for me to get off.
she actually spoke to me for longer than 5mins.
i made amends with my estranged babymama.
and...
i downloaded some new music.

lol.

all in all..it was a good day.

i think i died.

every part of my body
from my mind to my eyes
my hips to my spine
and everything in between just gave out

my breathing stopped
my life flashed before me
and for a few minutes..
i think i died.