22 October 2009
"This shit was all i knew
you and me only
and id do it all for you
but still you were lonely
We couldve worked it out.."
So ive passed the point in my recovery that I can talk without crying but I think ive gotten this bitterness about me; or atleast thats what ive been told. I can admit that my "lie by omission" (as my mother called it when I talked to her about it) probably wasnt my best move but truth be told, for all of the good that I brought to the relationship, I didnt deserve what I got. Karma ridden or not. I was her biggest supporter - no matter what the situation; her "selling" , her spending the night with someone that we all knew has a thing for her, letting her vent about not being able to see her kids, helped her with some of the best songs she's ever written. Noone is perfect and when I say that I love someone, no matter how rough things may get- im not one to leave. especially not when I say that im in love with them..
"..What's a star when its most important fan is missing? .."
I was going through some of my old messages on this site that we're both on and I found myself getting livid because all I kept seeing was messages from her. "I love you.." .."I miss you.." .."I cant wait to see you.." ...then came the deeper ones.. the heartfelt ones.. the ones that carry major weight. My sister said to me "I know you make jokes and everything but I can tell it still hurts and just because the tears went away doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt today." I still have days that I sit back and just think -- all of the plans that we made.. all of the times that I cried when she'd put me on the back burner for friends or the club or just her life in general; i never complained. I wonder if you say the same things to her that you said to me. Does she know that your grandmother is your soul and your children are your heart? Does she know that the people at your job adore you but you hate your job with a passion? Does she know what words to say and how to say them to get you off-even over the phone? Does she know about the poetry I wrote for you and the songs you wrote for me? Maybe im getting alittle too deep. [shrugs]
"..but i guess things changed
its funny how someone else's success brings pain
when youre no longer involved
that person has it all
and you just stuck standing there.."
I can say that im over you..I can date a million people after you..but even through all of this, you still have a huge part of me; the part that wants to crawl into a ball and die. I guess this is going to take longer than I thought but atleast finally I can say something..